COM Outlook Winter 2019

34 | DR. KIRAN C. PATEL COLLEGE OF OSTEOPATHIC MEDICINE He had seen others profit by abusing the system, while at the same time, he saw those in dire need of help fall through the cracks. Sleep was difficult, and he found himself self-medicating with over-the-counter sleep aids and chain-smoking cigarettes. Work bled into his personal life as he ruminated over his failures, recalling his first crash airway patient where he froze, or the time he was so exhausted that he wasn’t empathetic to the teenager who had purposely tried to overdose on pills. He fit all the descriptors of burnout—cynical, depressed, hopeless, and passionless. To him, everything was futile, and there was no way to help, much less change, health care. He wasn’t even in medical school yet, and the harsh dissolution of his romantic ideas had forced him into a cycle of burnout and poor coping mechanisms. He’d end three-day shifts on the ambulance smoking cigarettes and angering quickly. After a few days of sleep and seeing friends, things would seem okay. Then he would find himself at work again. How could he expect to survive medical school if this was how he was trying to start it? Two years ago, that EMT was me. In trying to grow my passion as a health care provider, I had done the complete opposite and become painfully burned out. I had become sick of medicine before I even started. School could only make things worse, but I still clung to my past dreams and applied for what would be my final application cycle. Recognizing a Problem At this point, something had to change. The first and hardest step in my recovery was the quintessential recognition of my problem. I not only had to defeat my own stigma against mental health issues, but I also had to realize that, although my feelings caused burnout, it didn’t mean they were any less valid. I was broken over the loss of human life, frustrated at my inability to change it, and depressed with my own failures. What I had to realize was that, even though I was burned out, it did not have to define me, and that in witnessing suffering and pain, I gained humanity and empathy. Although medical school is far from therapeutic, I’m always working on my mental wellness to avoid relapsing into burnout. Just like medicine, being mentally healthy is a journey of its own. I’ve long since quit smoking and gained healthier coping mechanisms. Over time, my view of medicine grew to fit that of a medical student. If I were to succumb to burnout, I would not be part of the solution, but rather, part of the problem facing health care. Even more so, as a future physician, I will have the power to change medicine and make a difference. STUDENT Perspectives STUDENT PERSPECTIVES Michael Lai bonds with some local children in Kenya. continued from page 33